When we came back from hospital with our little Canito, I looked around and knew that everything has changed and that not a single thing will be the same. I stayed months with him at home, just him and me. When did he rest, I did as well… closing eyes seemed to be just like a minute. Suddenly cry, I sit for a minute with thoughts that Canito woke up and then immediately my internal voice said “he needs you, go”. Some of those days seemed infinite and the eternal repetition of situations where “someone needed me” has exhausted me. And I thought that something negative will appear in the end? But then suddenly, as lightning, I realised he needed ME. Not anyone in the world. He needs his mummy.
As soon as I came to the dizzying fact that maternity means I will never have time to do everything what I need to do, that I was able to find my place before and get some peace in the endless pursuit which filled an important part of my life. So earlier I realized that “mum” is my duty, my privilege and my honor. And I am ready to be where I am needed, at any time of the day or night.
“Mum” means that at five o’clock I barely fed a little boy and put him in a crib again, and exactly at that moment, being exhausted I could not fell asleep. “Mum” means to live from the tea and what little Canito does not want to eat anymore. “Mum” means that I cannot normally talk to my husband as work is work and after work there is other work waiting for me at home. “Mum” means that baby’s needs are over mine, automatically, without thinking. “Mum” means that my whole body is hurting and my heart is overflowing with love.
I know with certainty that a day will come when no one will need me. My little one will run on all sides and be absorbed in his own life. And I will sit somewhere in the house for the seniors and watch my body fade. Then no one will need me. Maybe I will even be a nuisance.
Of course he will visit me, but my hands will no longer be his asylum. And my kisses will no longer have healing power for him. And there will be no little trousers from which the cracker will have to be wiped out. And I will not tangle the safety belts in the high chair while eating. And I will sing a song to be calm or before bedtime but myself, probably even seven times in a row. And I will no longer be grateful even for the smallest moments of rest. And there will be no suitcases that will be ready for travelling and taking the flight to Czech Republic or Mexico. And I’m sure my heart will be lamenting and longing to at least once again hear that cry saying “Mummy, I need you!”.
Now the quiet silent feedings at five in the morning are beautiful. We sit with a little boy in our bed. We listen how the wind is blowing and how the birds start to wake up. Only I and my little one are in dark and all neighborhood is silent. We just see the pale moon coming up and shadows dancing over the walls of the room. Just two of us and my sleeping husband.
Then we sit for a while under the blanket, he is blabbing before I put him to his crib again and he has just started his day. It’s five in the morning, I am sleepy and tired, but it does not matter because he needs me. Just me. And probably most of all, I need him more. Because he is making me a mum. The time will come and I will sleep hard all night again. The time will come when I will be on a wheelchair, I will not hold anyone in my arms and dream about the quiet and dark nights in the bedroom. About the time he needed me and we were just two of us in the whole entire world.
Do I really enjoy the fact that someone needs me? Sometimes I’m exhausted and I do not enjoy it every single minute. But mainly now, when I am back to work, I do. I know it’s a duty as well. And I have to admit that it is the hardest job I have ever done. I am a technical manager working in building industry and before I was testing concrete and building materials in the lab. Not easy position in mainly men’s world. During one week, I used 4 tons of material to prepare concrete cubes for international company and things went wrong. But that was nothing compared to what is happening at home the whole week 🙂
Three o’clock in the morning I hear the movements and noises from the crib. I lie quietly, barely breathing. Maybe he will fall asleep again. But sound is stronger and suddenly, he is on his belly and two big brown eyes are looking at me through his bed and he is smiling. And I know, he loves me. Then he lies down again and falls asleep. Probably just to check if I am around, maybe he just had a bad dream. His eyes and smile, however, remained in the fresh night air. If I could touch this smile and grasp it, I would take it and hold it to my heart. That silent and beautiful smile showed the most beautiful words in the world. I love you. And I smile and exhale quietly. I am afraid this memory will go away. I am falling asleep again and my son’s smile and his eyes settle in my heart.
Once this little boy will be an adult man. And he will not look at me and smile to me anymore at such an impossible hour. I will only hear the cars and my snoring husband. I will be able to sleep peacefully all night and I will not be worried about crying baby. I will only have it stored in my memory. I will only remember those years when he needed me and it was so exhausting, but unfortunately so short.
Do not dream about how “once it will all be easier”. Because the truth is this: Yes, maybe it will be easier, but nothing better than today will be ever again. Today, when I am overwhelmed and dazzled from work and by my little boy. Today, I enjoy being hugged by little hands. Today is simply perfect. “Once,” I will have a perfect pedicure, and I will be able to have a shower for hours. “Once” I will return myself back. But today is the time when I give myself to him, I am tired from work and wish I could stayed longer at home with him, all overwhelmed, he loves me so much. Someone needs me. I wish it could be me at home, instead of our aupair and enjoy every single step what does he do…
With all my love to my son and all mummies who feel at this moment overwhelmed.
Vero & Canito